My Daughter Told Me I Had A Mustache

23 Aug


Recently, my daughter told me I had a mustache.  I was horrified because she’s 9 and doesn’t have the greatest filter. I ran right to the mirror and examined my upper lip. I’ve never had much facial hair to deal with, and my occasional Tweezerman pluck always seemed to do the job. Why now is this child telling me I’m mustachioed? I’m not sure if it was paranoia, but it did look like my upper lip was a bit darker. I asked my husband what he thought and he just told me to shut up. Back at the mirror, the scary magnifying one this time where I often get caught in a time warp examining and excavating my pores, my heart stops. Yep. There is definitely a pigment thing going on with my skin. WTF. Not necessarily hair, but an entire discoloration of the upper lip area, like if I drank some foamy chocolate milk and didn’t wipe.


You’d think after being on the market for so long, they’d have perfected the scent of this stuff. Unfortunately, it smelled just as nasty as if did when I Naired my legs back in junior high. Except, now it comes with a post-hair removal conditioning lotion to prevent that red burny lip look. How thoughtful. Five or six minutes is all you need. It literally melted that peach fuzz right off. My lip felt smooth as a baby’s butt, but the shadow was still there! Cut to me Googling my condition. I know this can be seriously dangerous and frowned upon by many medical practitioners, not to mention my Jewish mother, but I’ve correctly diagnosed many of my dermo issues only to be backed up by a visit to the doctor. I have Melasma. Or maybe a little Melasma. It’s a discoloration of the skin due to hormones. I haven’t been pregnant for six years, but being in the sun so much this past summer brought it out. According to Daisy-Dukes23 on, you can use a little lightening cream to even out the area. I just so happened to have some that was prescribed for another one of my dermalogical maladies, and decided to give it a whirl. While I’m not sure it made much of a difference, I’ve gotten pretty talented with my concealer brush. Plus, I’m not out in the sun as much anymore. Since  my daughter hasn’t commented on my ‘stache lately, I think I’m good for now.

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