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Season’s Greetings

22 Dec

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Adding a humorous slant to your holidays cards seems to be more in fashion this year than ever before. But I couldn’t just sit back and watch all these other families and bloggers link to their funny cards without throwing in my contribution. My family and I have actually been sending out stupid holiday cards since, well, forever. At this point, it just feels lazy to do anything else, even though the pressure to top the previous year becomes greater and greater. “Why can’t you just do a nice picture of the four of you like everyone else?” my mom asks year after year. Because we’re not like everyone else. Enjoy and happy holidays!

xo, Beautyologie

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Mmm Bop

19 Dec

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There’s nothing cuter than when my daughter finds her subscription to Bop or Tiger Beat magazine in the mail. She snaps it up and quickly sneaks off to some quite corner in the house so she can read her favorite section, “OMG, I’m So Embarrassed,” or something like that. And there’s nothing like leaving it to this iconic publication to teach my kid about menstrual cycles either. “What’s a tamp-in?” she asked me last year…when she was 9. That was AWESOME.

Considering all the media exposure kids are bombarded with, I really have no problem with my two reading these publications. They’re actually one of the few things they do read that’s not on an iPad or computer. The content is completely harmless, and honestly, it keeps me in the loop on whether Selena and Justin will ever get back together and Ariana Grande’s wardrobe of crop tops and mini skirts.

And if I really must divulge, it afforded me one of my first jobs out of college. I was a staff writer for a couple years at the teeny bopper publications. It was right in the midst of  pervy Lou Pearlman’s heyday. I recently found these pics and started feeling very old.

nsyncMe wearing mom-jeans pre-mom, with my boys from ‘N Sync backstage at Z100′s Jingle Ball in 1998.

tiatamaraOn the set of Tia and Tamera (why do I look pregnant here!?)

woMe posing after a show with the illustrious Wild Orchid girls. This is when Fergie was Stacy Ferguson, and parachute pants and double breasted leather jackets were hot. I remember bonding since we were all from the Valley.

Border-ing On Insanity

10 Dec

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I recently came across this old email I’d sent some friends a few years ago after an attempted vacation with my daughter and mom. It made me laugh.

From: Robin Doyle

Subject: what happens in mexico, stays in mexico

Date: June 6, 2010 3:18:26 PM PDT
So you may be asking yourself, “Self, why am I getting an email from Robin when she should be in Mexico having a wonderful, relaxing vacation?” Here’s why:
Tuesday night

6:00 p.m.: At dinner, Liam throws up all over me.

6:05 p.m.: Liam throws up all over Craig.

6:06 p.m.: I have a mini-nervous breakdown and rethink my vacation.

9:00 p.m.: After lots of mom guilt, I decide to go anyway knowing that Craig and the nanny will handle him and proceed to pack all 10 bags. (Ella NEEDS dolls, movies, books, toys, water toys, snacks, 4 pair shoes, Leapstar, etc.)

Wednesday morning

9:30 a.m.: Pick up my mom and head south. We dream of lying by the pool caressing strong, fruity drinks with a little umbrella.

2:00 p.m.: Buy car insurance and cross border. Only $87.50. 

2:10 p.m.: Miss the Ensenada turn sign and get lost. End up in Tecate. Lovely city.

3:45 p.m.: Make it to our hotel, but room is not ready. To compensate, we’re given voucher for free drinks. The strawberry margarita tastes like motor oil.

5:30 p.m.: Go swimming and Ella makes friends with another girl on vacation. Starting to feel like we’re on vacation.

7:00 p.m.: Call home to check on Liam. He’s is still sick.

Thurs. morning, early:

3:00 a.m.: Ella wakes up and has to pee.

3:10 a.m.: Ella is up again and has to poo.

3:20 a.m.: Ella throws up in her bed.

3:30 a.m.: Give Ella bath and change pjs. She gets in bed with me.

4:00 a.m.: Ella throws up in my bed. We clean her up.

5:00 a.m.: Ella throws up in my mom’s bed.

5:05 a.m.: Ella throws up in hallway and bathroom.

5:06 a.m.: We quickly pack up and head home. Ella continually dry heaves and pukes all over herself and car. Cannot stop because I am driving on a two lane highway in Mexico.

7:00 a.m.: Reach border, but a portly Federali won’t let me in line up to cross border. He yells at me to move my car. I won’t move. He reaches for his hip…is he going to shoot? I yell at him that my daughter is sick. He won’t listen to me. He then blocks my car and I am forced to leave line up.

7:05 a.m.: I get lost, again. Drive around Tijuana for 45 minutes trying to find my way out. (It’s only a matter of time before Ella asks me what the F word means.) End up coming across “the suburbs of TJ.” Find what is the “Balboa park of Tijuana,” with people jogging and walking along a round path. In the corner, I see an open air court where 200 women are doing aerobics to blaring Mariachi music.

8:10 a.m.: I finally find the border line up. Wait 40 minutes more, stuck in a sea of cars, with no where to go or move. Ella is dry heaving and throwing up liquid. My poor mom is crying because she has to pee and is in excruciating pain. Two four-year-old Mexican boys are trying to sell me used plastic balls. An old man attempts to wash my windows with newspaper. I feel like I’m in my own “Babel.”

9:00 a.m.: We make it to US soil. I stop at fancy deli in Solana Beach to use their facilities and grab some coffee and bagels. The owner schmoozes me and asks about my morning. I crumble at his humanity and let it all out.  ”Why Mexico?”  he asks. I want to throw my coffee in his face, but instead, I head back to my car. Only three more hours of driving before we hit home.

Friday morning

9: 30 a.m.: Ella wakes up and is completely fine. Ends up Liam gave her his stomach bug as a bon voyage gift. 

 

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